This week was my school's cultural festival, which is basically an excuse for the students to wear non-uniform shirts and makeup (there were lots of boys in eyeliner) and not have classes for two days. It was also an excuse for my little stalker to spend two days following me around.

Yes, I have a little stalker.

He seemed harmless at first -- he was really enthusiastic about English (if not very skilled) and spent as much time as possible talking to me about his favorite English textbook, his favorite movie (Back to the Future), the number of CDs I owned, his favorite Japanese singer from the '60s and other fascinating topics. He also made me a very detailed seating chart. He was so weird and eager that it was even kind of funny. But as the weeks passed and he continued to unblinkingly stare at me throughout the entire 50 minutes of class twice a week; as he used every chance he could to say, "Excuse me!" and ask some question designed to impress me with his English skills ("How do you say 'yakitori' in English?" "Uh...'yakitori.'"); as he creepily lurked outside my office door for 15 minutes before coming in to tell me something -- I began to feel uneasy. Actually, it stopped being funny almost immediately and just started to remind me of all the weird nerds who were in love with me in junior high and high school.

Let's take stock: there was the kid who ate his own dandruff and would wear the same sweat-stained shirt for days on end; the kid who would pick at his zits until they bled, then blot with a tissue and stare at it for the duration of class (he was also known for unexpectedly attacking other kids with a freshly-sharpened pencil); the kid who was obsessed with R.E.M. and told me he was homophobic but would "go gay" for Michael Stipe; the kid who had such terrible B.O. he was christened "Taco Smell" by my friends and who told his mother I was his girlfriend; these are but a few. The problem is that I'm too nice. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So back then I always dealt with the problem by ignoring the offending presence until he left the room, then making fun of him with a vengeance to my friends. (So I'm not ACTUALLY nice....)

But that won't work with this kid because first, he is not put off at all by being ignored and second, I can't make fun of him to the other students since I am, after all, a teacher. Sort of. (Don't think I haven't been tempted -- the girls at my school are awesome and I'm sure they would find it really funny.) For the last two days, he has been following me around in the most literal sense of the word. When I go into a room, he follows. Then, no matter where I go in the room, he moves so that he is only a few inches from me. And stares. He never says anything and I never make eye contact. Yesterday we were sitting in the gym and though I had made sure to let him sit first to ensure we remained far away from each other, he kept looking over his shoulder at me every couple of minutes and scooting back a foot or two. It was so strange and obvious that some of the other kids starting pointing and giggling. But he didn't care -- he just kept scooting until he was at his usual place a few inches from my elbow. Then I stood up and moved to the other side of the gym. He didn't follow.

I think he's finally starting to get it, especially after I declined his invitation for a guided tour of his class's cultural presentation. ("Are you free?" "No." "Can I have 15 minutes?" "No.") But I know I can't get too comfortable. I must remain vigilant!

So every time he leaves the room, I'll make fun of him with a vengeance on my website.